2 Days Out

My father's funeral was two days ago, and today was my first day trying to get into what I think will be my new routine. I wore my Hulk outfit (purple shorts, Kelly green tank top) to try and help me cope, but I'm not sure how effective it was. I ended up reading a chapter for school (excellent), playing some Nintendo (uneventful),  pleasure reading/ watching TV/ surfing the internet (unavoidable), and eating approximately 20 funeral cookies (wicked gross/delicious).

The hard part of trying to plan a routine is that I have no idea how to go about it as my life has been centered around my dad for the last 5 years, acutely so for the last 2. When I wake up in the morning, I start planning when I'm going o go see him in the nursing home before I remember that he isn't there anymore. I hang around the house still, but why am i doing it now? There's no reason anymore? I could be anywhere in the world, but it's hard to make the leap so quickly after his death. I have crazy amounts of extra time on my hands now that classes are over and I'm not caring for dad anymore, but I have no idea what to do with that time.

I feel very lonely, and it's hard to manage it. I don't want to go out, but I get stir crazy when I stay in. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with other people. My mom and I are tired of each other, but no one else really understands how we feel, so we just keep circling around to annoy each other.

I think time is going to fix all of this. I'll finish my coursework next week, and I have lots of things coming up that I'd already planned for the next month. I just wish I wasn't so cranky and weepy and tired.