I found this poem a few months ago and saved it as a draft, but forgot to publish it. a lot has changed in me over that time, but I still like it. In fact, I may like it even better now. "Before you were you... ah, safer and smoother and smaller was my heart."




"Before"
Mark Halliday

Before you were you,
before your bicycle appeared under the street-lamp,
before you met me at the airport in a corduroy jacket,

before you agreed to hold my five ballpoint pens
while I ran to play touch football,
before your wet hair nearly touched the piano keys

and in advance of how your raincoat was tightly cinched
when you asked about nonviolent anti-war activity
and before you said "Truffaut,"

before your voice supernaturally soft sang
"I aweary wait upon the shore,"
before you suddenly stroked my thigh in the old Volvo,

when you had not yet said "Marcus Aureliius at 11:15"
and before your white shirt on the train,
before Pachelbel and "My Creole Belle"

and before your lips were so cool under that street-lamp
and before Buddy Holly in Vermont on the sofa
and Yeats in the library lounge,

prior to your denim cutoffs on the porch,
prior to my notes and your notes
and before your name became a pulsing star,

before all this
ah safer and smoother and smaller was my heart.

2 Days Out

My father's funeral was two days ago, and today was my first day trying to get into what I think will be my new routine. I wore my Hulk outfit (purple shorts, Kelly green tank top) to try and help me cope, but I'm not sure how effective it was. I ended up reading a chapter for school (excellent), playing some Nintendo (uneventful),  pleasure reading/ watching TV/ surfing the internet (unavoidable), and eating approximately 20 funeral cookies (wicked gross/delicious).

The hard part of trying to plan a routine is that I have no idea how to go about it as my life has been centered around my dad for the last 5 years, acutely so for the last 2. When I wake up in the morning, I start planning when I'm going o go see him in the nursing home before I remember that he isn't there anymore. I hang around the house still, but why am i doing it now? There's no reason anymore? I could be anywhere in the world, but it's hard to make the leap so quickly after his death. I have crazy amounts of extra time on my hands now that classes are over and I'm not caring for dad anymore, but I have no idea what to do with that time.

I feel very lonely, and it's hard to manage it. I don't want to go out, but I get stir crazy when I stay in. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with other people. My mom and I are tired of each other, but no one else really understands how we feel, so we just keep circling around to annoy each other.

I think time is going to fix all of this. I'll finish my coursework next week, and I have lots of things coming up that I'd already planned for the next month. I just wish I wasn't so cranky and weepy and tired.